Mother's Day specialty

today, i was told happy mother's day three times - two of those, the comments were serious.

i am not a mother, and although i jokingly call myself a pseudo-mom to the Little One and the Seven-Year-Old teenager, i am sure being a real mother is much, much different.

i love the munchkins more than i have ever thought i could love anyone, but i wonder what it feels like to have people that literally are mine. i wonder how amazing it is to look at that tiny nose and hear that little giggle and know that minature heart has a place just for me.

i know being a mother must be amazing. my own mother did a perfect job of being a role model and best friend to me. and today, she remains both. i can see how much she loves me through the way she looks at me, talks to me, cries for me. it is touching, to say the least. but most of all, i want to love someone like that.

Little One and the Seven-Year-Old teenager are my life, and although i love them like they are my very own, they are not. i can't imagine being able to love someone more, and i think the love for my biological child would be just about the same. but how can i know?

i guess being a good parent starts before conception: being responsible enough to choose the right time to bring a child into the world - when constratints are withdrawn enough (be it financial, emotional, physical) to allow that child a decent and superior life. so i believe i am being responsible when i know i am not ready for a child of my own in my life. i have two to care for already, and i am afraid i cannot give enough of myself to three dependents. but i surely know i would try.

i am not a mother. and mother's days for the past 23 years have been celebrated occasions of my own mother. but today - after over a year pretending to be the very thing i am not - it hits hard that i am merely a dreamer. i am an actor in an ongoing play. and when the curtains close and i go back to who i really am, i feel like something is missing.

its tough realizing you're not who you thought you were, but i suppose that is life. i may not be a mother, and i may never be. but i will always love like one.