Pity Party on Monday

Could life be a little easier, a little less stressful? Absolutely. But then, I guess, we wouldn't be challenged enough to grow.

At this point, I'm not sure how many more "challenges" I can take, though.

I've always wondered how "nice" people do it. How they react to stressful, trying times. Do they stay quiet, submissive, rational? Are they constantly walked all over and never taken seriously? Or is there a different person underneath the niceness. I wish I knew how to be a nice person - but for some reason, I just can't seem to get that down.

I've ruined a lot of relationships, friendships, all kinds of ships because I'm a mean person. After 23 years of loving myself and losing everyone else, I realize maybe it's time to put someone else in front of me. Loving someone more than myself. I truly thought that might be impossible.

To my surprise, it was easier than I thought. All it takes is the right person (or in my case, people). What I wasn't expecting was the joy you get from loving so deeply and unconditionally.

What I also was unexpectant of, however, was that those persons may not return the same love. Love, sure. But not to the same extent. But all that taught me was to feel what others have been feeling for years - the way I treated them. I guess what goes around truly does come around.

But no one is perfect. No friendship, no relationship, no family is perfect. Disappointment is a given and to be expected. I have been many a disappointment myself. According to my parents, I still am. But there comes a point where you have to make decisions for yourself that directly affect you. Those decisions, I have made and have barely any regrets.

Unfortuantely, others have that same luxury. And when you become that decision, it can be fantastic or fatal. I just want to be the fantastic one. Once.

I want to be the nice person.

I want people to want to be like me, like I want to be like others. But I don't blame anyone for looking at me and running at full speed.

I guess I just don't know how to be what someone wants.