dreams at night haunt my day

dreaming exhausts me. for the hours that i lie unconscious in my bed, i'm not really asleep. instead, i live in a world that i can not control. i talk, i think, i feel. and when i wake up, im completely unrested.

every now and then i'll have a dream that haunts me through the course of the next day. sometimes even extensively longer. it's like no matter how much i try to divert my mind from the previous night's events, it keeps flashing into my mind. its almost as if it really happenend. it is annoying and scary and delightful - all at the same time.

like last night, i dreamed crazy. i dont really remember the first part, but the ending (or the part before the incessant phone ringing woke me up) continuously and annoyingly pops into my train of though. i was at some sort of a carnival with my boyfriend and a very chunky and infant little boy (his adorable son). but my ex-husband then entered the scene, wanting me back. he adored me, loved me - a far cry from reality. i was happy - knowing that, for once, he actually wanted me. the boyfriend was upset, but understanding. i was torn, but at the same time i knew the boyfriend didnt adore me the way my ex-husband was showing me that he did. ironic, because i'd say its the complete opposite in real life.

the dream was abruptly ended at the point where my ex and i were driving to my small house in the woods - to my love, the boyfriend.

i'll be the first to say that i dont believe dreams have any significant meaning to the life which i live in reality. i feel they are merely fictional, no-facts-based stories conjured during unconsciousness. i know others will disagree. but either way, i have these dreams - and they are so real. i think logically, feel emotions, feel physically. and, as i mentioned, when i wake up it almost feels as if i had really lived through the instance.

i dont have an answer as to why - but id really like for them to go away. if for nothing else, so i can have a decent night of rest.

Read more...

mixed emotions, happy conclusion

ive been at camp caleb during the designated week in july since i was in the sixth grade - 11 years ago. the first eight years as a camper, jumping at all of the popcorns, running so hard in frisbee football i thought i may have a heatstroke, kicking all the others girls' butts in basketball, taking home a good 50 percent of the awards. and then the last three years as a counselor, trying to be to the younger girls what my predecessors had been to me.

this morning, the vans left to go to camp caleb this week - without me.

i know this is the time during which i have to grow up: stay home because i have two jobs that i cant do without and summer school that starts that i must pass or else i dont graduate in the spring (already a year late). i know these things have to get done, and i feel a bit of self-satisfaction knowing i made the mature, logical decision to stay home and take care of what needs done. but at the same time, i know i'm missing out on the morning roll call, the team games that always get me riled up and make me want to be a camper again, the nasty cafeteria food, the girls circle at night trying to get the boys cabin area to hear us (although i know its impossible) and sitting in the hot, dirty bunk bed at night writing in my journal, missing home and wanting to leave. most of all, i know im missing out on the blessing that i would inevitably get just from being there. especially the girls who run up to me and give me a hug, so glad that i will be there all week. its good to be wanted.

but since im stuck in h-town dubya vee, i guess i should make the most of it. and, ya know, its not so bad after all. i get to spend this week with the one i love, chilling at the pool or playing card games or the sega. i get to see my family every single day - a luxury many people are not blessed with, even if they are near home. so what if i have to work? at least i have a place to live, a nice car (ok make that a crappy piece of junk that doesnt run) and nice things. i dont give my life enough credit.

life is good. (except for being on hold with Apple for 30 minutes. good holding music, though)

Read more...

nothing to say.

i love summer. make that LOVE LOVE summer. unfortunately, being an adult means that i am not allowed to enjoy the beautiful, warm sun or the glimmering cool water of the community pool. no, instead, i have to don my peanut-encrusted logans outfit and serve people drinks and food. its a dirty job. but someone has to do it. and unfortunately, that person is me for the time being. whatever pays the bills, right?

im tired. people wear me out. and so does being at the pool all day. (okay, i admit it. i DID 86 work to lay at the pool. =)

good freaking night.

Read more...

rainy days equal no thoughts

with a little inspiration from a fellow classmate, i have been in deep obsession with photoshop for the past two days. i feel that creativity is one of my better qualities. if not enough information to assume so, this picture of evan and myself is todays creation. (psily)

i find it ironic how it rains only on my days off.

maybe i shouldnt take days off.

Read more...

bachelorette and other musings

i am thoroughly upset about last night's bachelorette finale. pretty pretty deanna - whose heart was tragically broken by brad womack two seasons ago - picked ugly ugly jesse to marry ... and do other things with. look at him. hes such a goofball. but i guess looks arent everything. (pause) YEAH RIGHT.

no, really, i'm kidding. they arent.

evan (the significant other) thinks im crazy for being so obsessed with the lives of these people. he says its just a show and that its completely scrpited. he just doesnt get it. i mean - heck ... when joey and dawson didnt end up together (dawsons creek ... come on, people) my friend kristi and i bawled our eyes out. we grew up with these kids on the creek. its just our generation. we no longer play in the literal creek, we watch it on tv. thats why we're all fat.

speaking of fat, i should be doing some yoga or some kind of physical movement other than bobbing my fingers up and down on the keyboard. i shall go make myself less of a blob of yuck.

until next time.

Read more...

revelations

i tried for about a whole week to imitate on my blog the object of my obsession - perez hilton. i quickly realized i have neither the time nor the connections to be a gossip ganstar. oh well. maybe one day.

for now, i guess i'll keep my musings to a minimum by sharing them only with my significant other. i'm not sure whether or not he appreciates that. perhaps he wishes i would keep a blog. i digress.

moral of this story: its my blog. i will write whatevertheheck i want to write - whether its about my dreary day or amy winehouse going into rehab even though she said no, no, no! who really reads blogs anyway? (okay, i do.)

for now, peace out.

Read more...