Should I Stay or Should I Go?

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a great many things (as I have mentioned before). An astronaut, a writer, Miss America. I guess one out of three isn't so bad.

As an adult, there are still a great many things I dream of becoming, although I now understand the reality of my hopes and ambitions and know they're quite unlikely ... or will cost me another 50 grand in student loans to be qualified.

Here's my situation: in high school, I worked at The Buckle. I quit, went to college for five years, got my bachelor's in print journalism, and guess where I'm working now? The Buckle.

Oh, and I make $5.50 / hr plus 3% commission. Not quite ideal.

I almost feel as if my college time was a waste, considering I can't find a writing job around here - or really anywhere. But I haven't exactly been actively looking outside the Tri-State area.

See, one of my big dreams growing up was to move away. New York. California. Somewhere big. Along the way of getting older, though, my ideals have changed. I've realized I love being with Mr. Man and the two munchkins, and that is what is most important to me. (Ideally, I'd love to get married and add to our ready-made family, but that's another blog). Now, my ideal occupation(s) would be a wife, stay-at-home mom and work-from-home freelance writer. Plus, add in carpool chauffeur, soccer mom, healer of boo boos, etc. That's a lot of responsibility.

Clearly, all that is far away for me. So, what do I do in the mean time? Stick around this dump of a town working at (below) minimum wage jobs and (dare I admit this) living in the storage room at my parents? Or, should I pursue my one-time biggest dream and find something awesome to do in NYC or LA? I'm really not sure. Granted, I know I absolutely can't fathom the thought of being without Mr. Man and my babies, but what is the best choice?

So,  I applied for an office manager position with Twitter. (as did probably 1 million+ Americans). Although I am qualified, I am sure I will not land the job. I never really had high hopes for it, but I thought - why the heck not. If for some crazy odd reason they call me and say "hey Jen, we love you and your celeb-stalkerish tendencies of Twitter," maybe I'll just head on out to San Francisco anyway.

I'll let you know.

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What if?

We make decisions every minute, every day of our lives. Some are of much greater importance than others, but all indicative of the future.

Today, for example, I chose to look for apartments in Huntington, to which my efforts availed no positive outcome. I chose to take lemonade and crackers to work on my 4-hour shift, which resulted in me saving $5 on a drink and snack for the evening. I chose to accept my manager's request for me to work 8 am - 5 pm instead of my scheduled 3 pm - 10ish pm, which will inevitably result in my feet throbbing uncontrollably and me being so tired I'll want to come home and crash.

The decisions we make, important or irrelevant, can result in positive or negative reactions. Unfortunately for me, my terrible, irrational decision-making skills have placed me in a position today that I never thought I would be. And I wonder, what if.

So, decisions I have made that I may or may not want to change should I be given the option:

1. Cheerleading in high school. I mean, why not? Flying in the air and doing body-wrenching twists just seems uber-cool.
2. Never finishing all of my summer reading. Both of my Honors and AP English teachers in high school were killer, but I wish I would have let them challenge me instead of intimidate me. Actually reading the assigned books and 86ing the use of SparkNotes would have been ideal.
3. Getting married at 18 years old. I mean, that's a no-brainer, right?
4. Getting divorced at 20 years old. Again, a no-brainer. But, had I changed decision #3, decision #4 would be irrelevant. So much goes into these two decisions, though, that would make much more sense to a reader on the outside - but those are my problems that I have and will deal with myself.
5. Credit cards. My, my, my. How it would have changed my life not having credit cards. Debt is a four-letter word that I find appalling and sickening, but something we only get ourselves into and can only get ourselves out of. If I have any advice for young people, it's stay away from credit. What did I buy? I really have no idea.
6. Forget Journalism - something, anything else. Unless you're the editor-in-chief for National Geographic or The New York Times, print journalism is not the way to go in the 21st century. It's going digital. Unfortunately, my professors and advisor did not let me in on this little tidbit of info until I was over halfway finished with my degree - and I wasn't turning back then. Now, I can't get a job (other than in retail or food service ... which blows) and I'm basically forced to go back to school. Crappy.

I could go on and on and on and on about crappy decisions I have made, but that would just be really depressing, and I've had enough of that lately. But I can't change the past. All I can do is make the right decisions in the future, and hopefully I'll be competent and intelligent enough to discern from right and wrong, and what is good, bad, best and worst for me. If not, at least I'll have something to blog about in the years to come.

And, for the record, I hate thinking about "what if." It's pointless, discouraging and unproductive. But every now and then I like to dream. You know, about "what if" I decided to run away at 16, hitchhike to California, starve myself and become a model or actress. I'm skinny, rich, and wearing Manolos. A girl can dream.

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dreams at night haunt my day

dreaming exhausts me. for the hours that i lie unconscious in my bed, i'm not really asleep. instead, i live in a world that i can not control. i talk, i think, i feel. and when i wake up, im completely unrested.

every now and then i'll have a dream that haunts me through the course of the next day. sometimes even extensively longer. it's like no matter how much i try to divert my mind from the previous night's events, it keeps flashing into my mind. its almost as if it really happenend. it is annoying and scary and delightful - all at the same time.

like last night, i dreamed crazy. i dont really remember the first part, but the ending (or the part before the incessant phone ringing woke me up) continuously and annoyingly pops into my train of though. i was at some sort of a carnival with my boyfriend and a very chunky and infant little boy (his adorable son). but my ex-husband then entered the scene, wanting me back. he adored me, loved me - a far cry from reality. i was happy - knowing that, for once, he actually wanted me. the boyfriend was upset, but understanding. i was torn, but at the same time i knew the boyfriend didnt adore me the way my ex-husband was showing me that he did. ironic, because i'd say its the complete opposite in real life.

the dream was abruptly ended at the point where my ex and i were driving to my small house in the woods - to my love, the boyfriend.

i'll be the first to say that i dont believe dreams have any significant meaning to the life which i live in reality. i feel they are merely fictional, no-facts-based stories conjured during unconsciousness. i know others will disagree. but either way, i have these dreams - and they are so real. i think logically, feel emotions, feel physically. and, as i mentioned, when i wake up it almost feels as if i had really lived through the instance.

i dont have an answer as to why - but id really like for them to go away. if for nothing else, so i can have a decent night of rest.

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