Reflections from the life of a great man, and hopes for MY great man

Today, I attended the funeral of a man who made an incredible impact on my life. His name is Keith, and he's walking down streets of gold, talking to my Jesus.

The first time I went out of the country, I was on a mission trip to Grenada and Anguilla (West Indies) with Keith and his wife Roberta and 9 other girls (poor Keith). On that trip, I realized a few things.

1. People in other countries do not live as freely, luxuriously as we do in America.
2. Keith and Roberta love each other more than any couple I have EVER met.
3. Some other things that didn't hold true in the following years.

We traveled within three countries for 14 days, during which Keith preached at least once daily, and had to put up with 10 females constantly.

One night during the trip, Keith and Roberta sat all nine of us chit-chatty, giddy, silly girls down to tell us about true love and what makes a relationship last a lifetime. I will never, never forget that night and what they taught us.

Love is certainly not a Cinderella story and is never a happily ever after. It takes work and dedication. It takes two people who care enough about one another to put their partner above all else, but under God. It takes looking past imperfections and loving unconditionally - even if he eats his eggs with ketchup and it grosses you out (one of Roberta's pet peeves about Keith ... which we all thought was just adorable).

Sitting in the church this afternoon watching the family nod in agreement with the preacher and occasionally wipe a tear (they were all incredibly and admirably strong), I couldn't help but be thankful it wasn't me sitting in the front row listening to funny stories about my dad who had gone to be with Jesus. Don't get me wrong - my heart breaks for Roberta and her boys, and I wish we had Keith back in full silly-guy form, with a guitar strapped over his shoulder and a goofy grin on his face.

But when things like this happen to other people, it always makes me stop and realize how easily it could be me. I can't help but be thankful that my family is healthy and happy for now. And it makes me feel incredibly guilty for how upset I have been tonight over seemingly ridiculous things.

I've cried hysterically (no joke) from making myself upset over all the things "wrong" in my life: no car, no money, no job, no apartment, and other things that make me sad to the core. I cried even harder because I can't fall asleep and Mr. Man could not make it to my house to comfort me ... and I made him mad by being upset.

 It wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth getting myself so upset I'm nearly sick. It wasn't worth ticking Mr. Man off so much that he never wants to come over again. It wasn't worth being so involved in my own ridiculous problems that I forgot what Keith's family is going through tonight. The things of this world are not worth it. And in the past few years, I have forgotten what IS important.

I have also forgotten this:

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28

That's good stuff.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I am so self-centered and selfish, but I am. I hate it. There is so much more I want to be, and maybe - just maybe - if I were a little more selfLESS, a little more caring, a little more compassionate, a little less dramatic, a little less psychotic, a little more loving, a little less annoying ... I would be lovable.

The Lord loves me. I just hope someone else can, too.

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The 10 Things I'm Loving Right Now

Here's what I'm obsessing over right now.


10. My New Mug
I bought this I Heart Jim mug at Border's today (sorry for the terrible pic). For $4.99, I got this incredible mug, PLUS a World's Best Boss mug for Mr. Man - the world's best boss (behind Michael Scott, of course!) ... What a bargain!

9. Popcorn
With movie theater butter seasoning, every night before I go to sleep while watching TV. Except now, I'm starting to watch movies that I've yet to see. Mr. Man hates my lack of movie knowledge, and quite frankly, I do too. So - I'm working to improve my general trivia knowledge of movies ... and pop culture in general.


8. Girly YouTube videos.
Make-up and hair do tutorials, in particular. I'm loving Elle and Blair, and they make me wish I knew how to wear make up. And it makes me want to be obsessed with MAC products - and affluent enough to afford them. Oh well.


7. Kate Spade leopard bag.   
I love, love, LOVE this bag. Every time I walk through Macy's I admire its impeccable beauty. But, at $295, it is quite a bit more than I can afford right now with a $0 income. It will have to appear in my dreams until I find a job to complement my shopping fantasies.

6. Leopard Print Ballet Flats.
It may seem otherwise, but I'm not really an animal-print kind of girl. But I've been dying for an adorable pair of leopard-print flats. The only pair I've found so far that I remotely like are - sit down - Miley Cyrus / Max Azria from none other than Wal-Mart. For $10, at that! I may go for the bargain.


5. Dr. Mario.
On my computer, not on the Nintendo. (I had an old school SNES, but I traded it a while back for my Sega Genesis. Stupid.)


4. Thigh-High boots.
Non-hookerish thigh highs for fall / winter. Particularly fringe. Ah. 


3. Where the Wild Things Are art.
I love art. But I love art that has meaning even more. I would LOVE to have this on my bedroom wall to look at before I go to sleep every night and when I wake up every morning. Oh - and I'm so very excited to take my loves to see the movie.

2. OPI Nail Polish.
Right now I LOVE the color You're a Pisa Work (very bright pink). However, it spilled in my purse and dried to the lid so I can't open it. Boo to that. 


1. The Loves of my Life.
They are beautiful. They are my life. Need I say more?

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A beautiful wedding, an unfortunate end, a wonderful life now lived

I sometimes randomly come across my wedding DVD (even after strategically hiding it in places where I do not typically look so as to avoid this), and I can't help but pop it in my computer and watch the tragic event unfold. So was the case tonight.

Looking back, I don't understand how I didn't see that day what is so incredibly clear from the camera lens. Sure, I looked relatively happy (and pretty, if I might say so), but I think I was the only one.

I don't know that I ever saw X smile once while being filmed. And, of course, I'll never forget walking down the aisle and watching him scan the sanctuary, my bridesmaids ... everyone but me. Shouldn't this have been a big, red flag?

This is typical in life ... well, in mine, anyway. When I want something, I make it seem like the greatest thing, no matter the reality.

Example: I bought my Land Rover Discovery although it not only looked like a piece of crap, but expelled oil, didn't have a passenger-side mirror, was keyed on both sides - oh, and required premium gas even during a recession. But I had a Rover. Needless to say, the thing died and I sold it for half of my investment less than a year later. It was a waste of my time and money that could have been prevented had I listened to what my father told me.

Oh, how familiar that is.

Had I listened to what not only my father told me, but also my friends, family, coworkers, and people I didn't even know, I would not have wasted over $20K (okay, my parents) on a wedding, although beautiful, that really meant nothing.

I can't say that I really have regrets. Yes, not going through with the most beautiful wedding I've ever attended ('tis true) would have saved me and many others many a crying morning/afternoon/day/night. But at the same time, I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have learned the lessons I needed to understand the situation I'm in. If I didn't have to fall out of love, I wouldn't know how to love with everything I have. For that, I am truly grateful.

Surely, I will make many more mistakes in my life. Some I will not be proud of, but will certainly make me a stronger person. I'm not perfect, never will be, never have been, never want to be. But I can say with full conviction that I am a changed woman, and I know what I want. I have what I want (for the most part).

That beautiful Spring day four years ago that I thought would define the rest of my life actually only created a foundation for who I would become.

In the words of the queen, "Now I'm stronger than yesterday. Now it's nothing but my way. My loneliness ain't killin' me no more. I AM stronger." (Britney Spears)

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