I must be special for He paid a special price for me..
>> Friday, July 24, 2009
When I was a kid (not that long ago) I thought I was special. I thought I was more intelligent than my peers, more mature than the average 13 year old, had more faith than most people especially at my age. I thought I was something, and not because I was arrogant or haughty, but because the people in my life truly made me feel like I was an amazing person.
Ten years down the road, I feel like I've wasted so much time of a life that is already too short. I feel like I've totally let myself down, as well as everyone who loves me. It's clear that I'm not special or spectacular - evident to myself, as well as through the words of people who have known me my entire 2+ decades. It's a terrible feeling to know you have let down the people you love the most. It's terrible knowing they expected more of you, and yet this is what you give them.
But is it possible to really change who you are? Sure, I believe actions and ideals can change. Appearances can change. So can life destinations. But what about personality? Character? No matter how hard I try, I can't change those things.
What I have tried to remember, though, is when I became me. I wish I could remember when I stopped feeling special and started to realize that I'm just another person in the world, and nothing really noteworthy. When did people stop thinking I was special?
I have a suggested theory that you become your surroundings. I guess you really are who your friends are. And if those suck, maybe you suck, too. At 18, I changed my life destination and became my surrounding - a surrounding no one else liked and everyone warned against. Bad decisions lead to more bad decisions, and maybe people think bad decision makers just aren't that special. Ironically, that surrounding was supposed to be the one facet of life to make me feel special, and it was the one that tore me down and made me the sad, untrusting, not-spectacular person I am today.
And maybe it's attitudes like mine that are really the reason people become non-special. Nobody likes a pity party, although I do not believe my party is for pity. I simply wonder why and ask questions that I know will never be answered.
Perhaps if I'd just taken some different steps at 18. Maybe if I'd chosen some different surroundings, I'd still be special.
Heck. Maybe I'm still special after all. Maybe there's somebody who still sees it.
