daddys day was made for my daddy

i remember sitting on the couch near my daddy when he was asleep, holding the orange jack-o-lantern bucket that held all of my hair trimmings, taking each pink barrette and colored scrunchie and making my dads head look like a Barbie on crack.

i remember Christmas eve, my daddy setting up the video camera to record us opening up our gifts and seeing that we got "what we always wanted." we'd give a "thanks, Mom," and my dad would never fail to say "what about Dad?"

i remember going hunting one time early in the cold morning with my daddy, decked out in camouflage and freezing my butt off. the leaves were dry beneath our feet, and although there was no possible way to take a step without making the fallen foliage creak, my dad kept turning around to tell me to be quiet. we didn't get a deer, and i never went hunting again.

my dad has been one of the two most influential people in my life, my mother, of course, being the other. as a teenager, i clearly was the smarter and more wise between my father and i, and as a result, we frequently didn't get along. regardless, i still looked at him as the hardest working, greatest man i've ever known.

23 years with my father, we still bump heads often. we are clones of one another, although we try to infrequently admit it.

i am so thankful to still have my father in my life to influence me, keep me on the right road, to love me. i know he'll always be there for me, no matter what - and that's why i'm the luckiest daughter .. ever.

i love my daddy.

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Feats and Feelings, Summer: hello.

For the very first time in my 23 years of life, I have grown long fingernails! I know, it seems like a small feat, but it has taken me over two decades to break my terrible habit of biting my nails. And I have a wonderful product to show for it. (I even had to file them today. Crazy, it's true) Now ... if I could only stop picking at my face. One step at a time....

Today my 8-year-old teenager started to say "Mommy" when she was talking to me. She corrected herself quickly with no thought of it, but for that millisecond, my heart skipped a tiny beat. It's not that I ever want to be her Mommy, merely because I want her to have the bond with her mother that I have with mine. But just to be that, to be called that - it must be amazing. I love being a pseudo-mom, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. She and the Little One mean more to me than anything. But someday - I'll be a real momma! :)

I digress.

I smelled summer for the first time this year today: tanning oil. Mmm. So good I could eat it - but then I'd be sick and I'd puke everywhere, and then I couldn't go out in the sun and put the tanning oil on and smell summer. So I won't drink it. But it smelled so, so good - it's what I wait for all year. Unfortunately, it made me a little redder (and more sore) than I had intended - but it was so worth it.

And I'll end with this thought: I may not be bikini-season ready, but at least I am aware of the fact enough to cover up what no one wants to see. Please, women (and men) at public pools - take a hint.

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Pity Party on Monday

Could life be a little easier, a little less stressful? Absolutely. But then, I guess, we wouldn't be challenged enough to grow.

At this point, I'm not sure how many more "challenges" I can take, though.

I've always wondered how "nice" people do it. How they react to stressful, trying times. Do they stay quiet, submissive, rational? Are they constantly walked all over and never taken seriously? Or is there a different person underneath the niceness. I wish I knew how to be a nice person - but for some reason, I just can't seem to get that down.

I've ruined a lot of relationships, friendships, all kinds of ships because I'm a mean person. After 23 years of loving myself and losing everyone else, I realize maybe it's time to put someone else in front of me. Loving someone more than myself. I truly thought that might be impossible.

To my surprise, it was easier than I thought. All it takes is the right person (or in my case, people). What I wasn't expecting was the joy you get from loving so deeply and unconditionally.

What I also was unexpectant of, however, was that those persons may not return the same love. Love, sure. But not to the same extent. But all that taught me was to feel what others have been feeling for years - the way I treated them. I guess what goes around truly does come around.

But no one is perfect. No friendship, no relationship, no family is perfect. Disappointment is a given and to be expected. I have been many a disappointment myself. According to my parents, I still am. But there comes a point where you have to make decisions for yourself that directly affect you. Those decisions, I have made and have barely any regrets.

Unfortuantely, others have that same luxury. And when you become that decision, it can be fantastic or fatal. I just want to be the fantastic one. Once.

I want to be the nice person.

I want people to want to be like me, like I want to be like others. But I don't blame anyone for looking at me and running at full speed.

I guess I just don't know how to be what someone wants.

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