Feats and Feelings, Summer: hello.

>> Sunday, June 14, 2009

For the very first time in my 23 years of life, I have grown long fingernails! I know, it seems like a small feat, but it has taken me over two decades to break my terrible habit of biting my nails. And I have a wonderful product to show for it. (I even had to file them today. Crazy, it's true) Now ... if I could only stop picking at my face. One step at a time....

Today my 8-year-old teenager started to say "Mommy" when she was talking to me. She corrected herself quickly with no thought of it, but for that millisecond, my heart skipped a tiny beat. It's not that I ever want to be her Mommy, merely because I want her to have the bond with her mother that I have with mine. But just to be that, to be called that - it must be amazing. I love being a pseudo-mom, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. She and the Little One mean more to me than anything. But someday - I'll be a real momma! :)

I digress.

I smelled summer for the first time this year today: tanning oil. Mmm. So good I could eat it - but then I'd be sick and I'd puke everywhere, and then I couldn't go out in the sun and put the tanning oil on and smell summer. So I won't drink it. But it smelled so, so good - it's what I wait for all year. Unfortunately, it made me a little redder (and more sore) than I had intended - but it was so worth it.

And I'll end with this thought: I may not be bikini-season ready, but at least I am aware of the fact enough to cover up what no one wants to see. Please, women (and men) at public pools - take a hint.

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Pity Party on Monday

>> Monday, June 1, 2009

Could life be a little easier, a little less stressful? Absolutely. But then, I guess, we wouldn't be challenged enough to grow.

At this point, I'm not sure how many more "challenges" I can take, though.

I've always wondered how "nice" people do it. How they react to stressful, trying times. Do they stay quiet, submissive, rational? Are they constantly walked all over and never taken seriously? Or is there a different person underneath the niceness. I wish I knew how to be a nice person - but for some reason, I just can't seem to get that down.

I've ruined a lot of relationships, friendships, all kinds of ships because I'm a mean person. After 23 years of loving myself and losing everyone else, I realize maybe it's time to put someone else in front of me. Loving someone more than myself. I truly thought that might be impossible.

To my surprise, it was easier than I thought. All it takes is the right person (or in my case, people). What I wasn't expecting was the joy you get from loving so deeply and unconditionally.

What I also was unexpectant of, however, was that those persons may not return the same love. Love, sure. But not to the same extent. But all that taught me was to feel what others have been feeling for years - the way I treated them. I guess what goes around truly does come around.

But no one is perfect. No friendship, no relationship, no family is perfect. Disappointment is a given and to be expected. I have been many a disappointment myself. According to my parents, I still am. But there comes a point where you have to make decisions for yourself that directly affect you. Those decisions, I have made and have barely any regrets.

Unfortuantely, others have that same luxury. And when you become that decision, it can be fantastic or fatal. I just want to be the fantastic one. Once.

I want to be the nice person.

I want people to want to be like me, like I want to be like others. But I don't blame anyone for looking at me and running at full speed.

I guess I just don't know how to be what someone wants.

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Mother's Day specialty

>> Sunday, May 10, 2009

today, i was told happy mother's day three times - two of those, the comments were serious.

i am not a mother, and although i jokingly call myself a pseudo-mom to the Little One and the Seven-Year-Old teenager, i am sure being a real mother is much, much different.

i love the munchkins more than i have ever thought i could love anyone, but i wonder what it feels like to have people that literally are mine. i wonder how amazing it is to look at that tiny nose and hear that little giggle and know that minature heart has a place just for me.

i know being a mother must be amazing. my own mother did a perfect job of being a role model and best friend to me. and today, she remains both. i can see how much she loves me through the way she looks at me, talks to me, cries for me. it is touching, to say the least. but most of all, i want to love someone like that.

Little One and the Seven-Year-Old teenager are my life, and although i love them like they are my very own, they are not. i can't imagine being able to love someone more, and i think the love for my biological child would be just about the same. but how can i know?

i guess being a good parent starts before conception: being responsible enough to choose the right time to bring a child into the world - when constratints are withdrawn enough (be it financial, emotional, physical) to allow that child a decent and superior life. so i believe i am being responsible when i know i am not ready for a child of my own in my life. i have two to care for already, and i am afraid i cannot give enough of myself to three dependents. but i surely know i would try.

i am not a mother. and mother's days for the past 23 years have been celebrated occasions of my own mother. but today - after over a year pretending to be the very thing i am not - it hits hard that i am merely a dreamer. i am an actor in an ongoing play. and when the curtains close and i go back to who i really am, i feel like something is missing.

its tough realizing you're not who you thought you were, but i suppose that is life. i may not be a mother, and i may never be. but i will always love like one.

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Little Johnny Wants to Play, Rain, Rain, Go Away!

>> Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Rainy days are awesome. But only if I am sitting in my clean house snuggled under a blanket on my big oversized chair reading a book I just cant put down and sipping on a cup of hot Starbucks.

That is not today.

Today, it is raining. I woke up exhausted from the many times E crawled out of bed during the night for various reasons (one was to clean up the stinky poo Daysie left on the floor). After flat-ironing Medusa's hair and lathering up the baby with smelly goods, I made some oatmeal and cinnamon toast (just like my mommy did when I was little) and sat down to watch some Handy Manny. The little one chowed down, even took some for the road. But Medusa - she's so picky and so moody, and the two of those do not mix - she barely ate at all. I'm sure Piper (the great dane) will yum it up out of the garbage can.

No Diet Dew, no NutriGrain bars, no PopTarts to bring to work today. Nothing but a bottle of water (which I gave to E) and a cup of yogurt. Forgot the spoon.

And its raining, remember. The Rover's windshield wipers scrape across the glass making a terrible sound that unfortunately was too similar to nails scratching a chalkboard. (I now need to dig my nails into something soft. It's a strange, strange habit).

Bad assignment at work. I take that back: good assignment, terrible, TERRIBLE copy to revise. I can't believe this freelancer sold their story as bad as it was, and I can't get a single gig. I mean, they really attributed a Web site by using the full www. address. I'm thoroughly flabbergasted.

BUT. Fiesta Bravo and a good lookin' man are in my near future, and that makes all the previous events seem like that one sunflower seed in the bag with no nut in the middle. (Which actually isn't that bad, because the seed covering is still salty).

So I'm actually looking forward to today, regardless of the way it has begun. I'm hoping it ends on a fantastic note, which I am going to make sure of.

Last night, as I was drying Medusa's hair after her shower, she said something made me want to cry a little - although I didn't. (I really shouldn't call her Medusa. Just her hair is crazy, that's all.) As she glanced out the tiny bathroom window that overlooks the neighbor's badly-painted house and a host of other not-so-pretty homes on the adjoining street, she nonchalantly said, "look how beautiful the sunset is."

And it was. My goodness, it was gorgeous. A pink-and-orange-striped blue-gray sky pushed down on the horizon as the sun was trying to make day on another part of the world. It was breathtaking, and I couldn't help but wonder why she saw it and I didn't. But simply, I was too busy.

Tonight, I'm going to look at the sunset, and no matter what it looks like, I know it will be beautiful.

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It's a new day.

>> Monday, March 16, 2009

When it rains, it pours. So cliche, but so, so true.

As for my dungeon of a vehicle, when it rains, it pours in my backseat. Leaks. Who would think a car would leak? Isn't it supposed to keep you OUT of the rain?

But life goes on despite having a pond in my Rover. (And, ironically, I haven't had water in my house for almost a week because of busted lines. I do not love irony.)

I interviewed a fifth-grade girl today. A spelling-bee champ. Well, almost. She spelled nominative wrong, which made me feel good because I knew how to spell it. But then she threw out tchotchke, which I don't even know how to pronounce, let alone spell. She continued to add insult to injury (or whatever the saying is) by giving me the origin and definition. Smart little girl, and I must say - I am jealous.

But today is a new day, and I am going to be smarter. If not about words, then about life, in general. I'm going to get organized. Get fit. Get happy. Get healthy. Get good. It's about time. And it will be good for me. I need some energy, and I want to have the desire to do things- you know, other than sit at home and play Wii. And even that tells me I'm old! I have a WiiFit age of 33! And before that it was 51! I'm entirely embarrassed to even admit that. I digress.

For now, I must focus on my responsibilities here at work, which unfortunately do not include blogging. No - I have to write a story about a janitor who won a Friends of Youth award. Exciting, I know. But in the guy's defense, he was a total sweetheart, and I look forward to making his day by writing a good thing or two about the guy.

Off to a new day.

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I'm clearly an instigator

>> Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Two days ago, I wrote my weekly column for the Parthenon. Typically a bit controversial and always opinionated (factual, nonetheless), this week's article certainly received more attention than usual. In fact, I made Parthenon history by having the most-commented story EVER. I kind of like that.

My story, which you can read here, says it is not equality gays are searching for - it is special rights.

Good Lord, did the liberal community get their panties in a wad over my opinion. Clearly, what I think is pretty important. Apart from the comments on the Parthenon's Web site that bashed, battered, beat and bullied me, I also received e-mails from people calling me nasty names with underlying threats. The last couple days has been utterly sick, but intensely amusing. It's humorous because these people who are so against me and my opinions are proving my point with every word they say. They are allowed to persecute me because of my beliefs, but if I return the favor, it's a hate crime.

It was also very clear that many of the responders had not even read my article. They were mad about things I hadn't even discussed. They called me a hate-monger for hating gays - something I never said or eluded to. I just think it is usually a good idea to read the article before trying to argue it. But what do I know?

Fortunately, the fire has died a little, although there are still some crazies going at it. I was hoping my opinion would provoke an intelligent debate that would encourage open-mindedness and thinking, however it did not. It spawned hate and discrimination ... on myself.

Thanks to all those gay-rights supporters who proved my point that it is okay to be discriminatory and hateful only when you want to be.

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Give them their day....

>> Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Following is my article I wrote for class today on the inauguration. It isn't exactly what I wanted to write, but I was trying to take on the opinion of everyone else so I could maybe get a good grade this time.


A chapter made for history books was unveiled today as Barack Obama took the oath of office to become the first African-American president of the U.S.

The estimated crowd of 2 million camouflaged the national mall as far as could be seen from the Capitol building in Washington, D.C. Distinguishable chants of “Obama” rang through the sea of audience as they waited for the man of the hour to make his appearance.

After Vice President Joe Biden, clad in a democratic-blue tie and the smile of a next-in-line president, swore his oath and kissed his family, Obama and his entourage filed out onto the platform amid cheers and tears.

With his right hand raised and his left placed on the same Holy Bible that President Abraham Lincoln once himself swore upon, Obama repeated after Chief Justice John G. Roberts the words that would deem him Mr. President.

But along with one third of the country and nearly the entire governmental staff, Obama’s nerves were present. He stammered through the first few words of the oath and even required Roberts to repeat a phrase he was to recite.

A kiss on the cheek to his golden-clad wife, Michelle, and a scan of his audience of millions began the speech that, for some, would be as inspirational and monumental as the dream of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

“I thank President (George W.) Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition,” Obama said in his opening statement.

Bush, who was minutes out of his legacy as forty-third U.S. president, kept a straight face for the cameras as Obama uttered gratitude and throughout the inaugural address.

But Obama continued the inauguration that the New York Daily News estimated cost nearly $150 million.

“Our economy is badly weakened,” he said, “a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age.”

He conceded that the challenges America now faces are real, they are serious, and they are many. He promised, however, that those challenges will be met, although not easily or quickly. Applause erupted throughout the national mall and inevitably in homes across the nation.

With the sun reflecting off his American flag lapel pin, Obama praised his country.

“We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth,” he said. “Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.”

In the crowd, a man keeping warm in a crocheted cap yawned as the camera zoomed in on his face. But the new president was not retiring from his speech just yet.

He addressed the “guardians of our liberty,” soldiers who Obama said “have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages.” And although the government has power to change and uses that power to do so, he said it is “ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies.”

With a “God bless the United States of America,” Obama concluded his speech that will inevitably make its way to history books.

Chants of “yes we can” from the millions looking on sang through the national mall as Obama and Bush walked side by side into the Capitol building, and as Obama possibly thought, “yes, I did.”

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