Ch-ch-changes!!!

sometimes change is okay. sometimes change is absolutely necessary. as i have found out, sometimes change is for the better.

today, i didnt go back to sleep after i dropped E off to work. instead, i did work for class - and finished it BEFORE class, a revolutionary experience for me.
today, i parked in a free parking spot and walked an extra block to class. parking-ticket free, living a block greener.
today, i was early for class. early for only one, but that, too, is revolutionary.

today is a new day for myself, and i kind of love it. i have plans for additional revolutionary moments to put into my life. some may take longer than others, but i am determined to revamp 'jen.' this change will be okay. this change is necessary. this change is most definitely for the better.

unfortunately, i am not a fan of obama or i would say his slogans inspired me. however, he did not. i digress.

life is good, even when it sucks. just so you know.

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My Life, A Catch 22

I'm always wrong, never right. I can never win. I try something one way and get reprimanded. I try the opposite and get shunned. I am a bad word, its the worst thing ever. I try to be nice, it is forgotten immediately. I'm confused.

Sometimes I just feel like crying. But then again, that's wrong, too.

I'm going to take a nap. I can't do anything wrong while I'm asleep. Or can I?

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silly thoughts

i hate change. i have never understood why a good thing can't stay the way it is. does it always turn ugly? well, in my experience, yes. thats unfortunate.

my biggest aggravation is change in people. how is this possible? it brings up the very eerie , how do you ever know who a person really is? i mean, someone can't really change so dramatically in a short period of time can they? my theory is that people run on emotions (and i figure im pretty safe to trust in that theory). at the start of something new, emotions are at a high and it feels like the best thing ever. then you come off that high and realize its really just so so. and then you want something better - more like that original high. but is that reality? i dont think so. everything has a down side, which mean nothing and no one is perfect. we have to learn to love what and who we have. sometimes, love just isnt enough.

ps. i think im a pretty classy girl, no matter what anyone else says.

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i love the olympics. america is awesome.

is there really anything more to say?

yes.

i feel a little retarded every time the Star Spangled Banner is played and a US athlete has a medal placed around their neck. i get teary eyed, its true. but its a sense of pride. national love. i mean, we kind of are the greatest country ever. and i dont mean just in the olympics. (beceause china definitely rocked out the womens gymnastics, im not going to lie.) but really - despite the fact that we are trillions in debt and have two not-so-exciting candidates for president, our country rocks. id elaborate, but my stomach is yelling at me to feed it. and although i probably wont, considering it is 130 in the morning, i dont have the energy to think about why my country is 'da bomb,' let alone move my fingers excessively fast to type why it is 'da bomb.' so - i'll leave it at that.

ps. michael phelps is pretty awesome, too.

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dreams at night haunt my day

dreaming exhausts me. for the hours that i lie unconscious in my bed, i'm not really asleep. instead, i live in a world that i can not control. i talk, i think, i feel. and when i wake up, im completely unrested.

every now and then i'll have a dream that haunts me through the course of the next day. sometimes even extensively longer. it's like no matter how much i try to divert my mind from the previous night's events, it keeps flashing into my mind. its almost as if it really happenend. it is annoying and scary and delightful - all at the same time.

like last night, i dreamed crazy. i dont really remember the first part, but the ending (or the part before the incessant phone ringing woke me up) continuously and annoyingly pops into my train of though. i was at some sort of a carnival with my boyfriend and a very chunky and infant little boy (his adorable son). but my ex-husband then entered the scene, wanting me back. he adored me, loved me - a far cry from reality. i was happy - knowing that, for once, he actually wanted me. the boyfriend was upset, but understanding. i was torn, but at the same time i knew the boyfriend didnt adore me the way my ex-husband was showing me that he did. ironic, because i'd say its the complete opposite in real life.

the dream was abruptly ended at the point where my ex and i were driving to my small house in the woods - to my love, the boyfriend.

i'll be the first to say that i dont believe dreams have any significant meaning to the life which i live in reality. i feel they are merely fictional, no-facts-based stories conjured during unconsciousness. i know others will disagree. but either way, i have these dreams - and they are so real. i think logically, feel emotions, feel physically. and, as i mentioned, when i wake up it almost feels as if i had really lived through the instance.

i dont have an answer as to why - but id really like for them to go away. if for nothing else, so i can have a decent night of rest.

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mixed emotions, happy conclusion

ive been at camp caleb during the designated week in july since i was in the sixth grade - 11 years ago. the first eight years as a camper, jumping at all of the popcorns, running so hard in frisbee football i thought i may have a heatstroke, kicking all the others girls' butts in basketball, taking home a good 50 percent of the awards. and then the last three years as a counselor, trying to be to the younger girls what my predecessors had been to me.

this morning, the vans left to go to camp caleb this week - without me.

i know this is the time during which i have to grow up: stay home because i have two jobs that i cant do without and summer school that starts that i must pass or else i dont graduate in the spring (already a year late). i know these things have to get done, and i feel a bit of self-satisfaction knowing i made the mature, logical decision to stay home and take care of what needs done. but at the same time, i know i'm missing out on the morning roll call, the team games that always get me riled up and make me want to be a camper again, the nasty cafeteria food, the girls circle at night trying to get the boys cabin area to hear us (although i know its impossible) and sitting in the hot, dirty bunk bed at night writing in my journal, missing home and wanting to leave. most of all, i know im missing out on the blessing that i would inevitably get just from being there. especially the girls who run up to me and give me a hug, so glad that i will be there all week. its good to be wanted.

but since im stuck in h-town dubya vee, i guess i should make the most of it. and, ya know, its not so bad after all. i get to spend this week with the one i love, chilling at the pool or playing card games or the sega. i get to see my family every single day - a luxury many people are not blessed with, even if they are near home. so what if i have to work? at least i have a place to live, a nice car (ok make that a crappy piece of junk that doesnt run) and nice things. i dont give my life enough credit.

life is good. (except for being on hold with Apple for 30 minutes. good holding music, though)

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nothing to say.

i love summer. make that LOVE LOVE summer. unfortunately, being an adult means that i am not allowed to enjoy the beautiful, warm sun or the glimmering cool water of the community pool. no, instead, i have to don my peanut-encrusted logans outfit and serve people drinks and food. its a dirty job. but someone has to do it. and unfortunately, that person is me for the time being. whatever pays the bills, right?

im tired. people wear me out. and so does being at the pool all day. (okay, i admit it. i DID 86 work to lay at the pool. =)

good freaking night.

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