im a brat.

it seems like everytime i'm feeling overly sorry for myself and the only thing im enjoying is the pity party thrown especially for me, something is thrown down in my path that tells me to stop being such a brat and that - hey - it could be worse.

like yesterday. i was running a few errands and trying to keep the tears inside my eyelids (i cry. its just what i do.) i was mentally running through all the recent events that allowed me to feel sorry for myself and really thought that i was just at the bottom of the barrell. i mean, my life is just in shambles, right? about that time, i saw a woman pushing what i assume to be her handicapped son in a wheelchair and, well, i just felt like the scum of the earth - for all new reasons. those two people have experienced a thousand more troubled times than i have, and i can imagine their daily tribulations are much more complicated than the ones i stress over. when i step back and take a look at my life, its really nothing to throw a dramatic shindig over, although i do daily. sure, my issues are upseting to me - and this instance does not ease the pain of the things i do go through, small or not - but my life could be so much worse. i am truly blessed. i need these reminders every now and then to tell me to grow up, stop being a spoiled brat and just deal with life. sometimes you cant just cry and make things better. sometimes you have to actually try and make an effort. perhaps thats what i'll do.

ps. i know why the caged bird sings. i just watched two lovebirds (pun intended) get it on. rather strange. its one of those things you dont really want to watch but you cant look away. then again, im weird.

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mtv vmas hatin' on my man, dubya

i havent watched the mtv vmas since i was in high school, but i was really excited about britney showing up tonight, thoroughly hoping she would perform. (as of yet, she has not) but the opening speech by russell brand - the host - disgusted me completely. i know it wasnt that guy's words because he is merely an employee of mtv. however, i am appalled by mtv's use of their ginormous platform as a plug for barack - or any candidate for that matter!! and to add to that - they bad-mouthed president bush, which always pisses me off. called him a stupid cowboy. id like to punch that russell brand and the people of mtv in the butt.

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Ch-ch-changes!!!

sometimes change is okay. sometimes change is absolutely necessary. as i have found out, sometimes change is for the better.

today, i didnt go back to sleep after i dropped E off to work. instead, i did work for class - and finished it BEFORE class, a revolutionary experience for me.
today, i parked in a free parking spot and walked an extra block to class. parking-ticket free, living a block greener.
today, i was early for class. early for only one, but that, too, is revolutionary.

today is a new day for myself, and i kind of love it. i have plans for additional revolutionary moments to put into my life. some may take longer than others, but i am determined to revamp 'jen.' this change will be okay. this change is necessary. this change is most definitely for the better.

unfortunately, i am not a fan of obama or i would say his slogans inspired me. however, he did not. i digress.

life is good, even when it sucks. just so you know.

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My Life, A Catch 22

I'm always wrong, never right. I can never win. I try something one way and get reprimanded. I try the opposite and get shunned. I am a bad word, its the worst thing ever. I try to be nice, it is forgotten immediately. I'm confused.

Sometimes I just feel like crying. But then again, that's wrong, too.

I'm going to take a nap. I can't do anything wrong while I'm asleep. Or can I?

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silly thoughts

i hate change. i have never understood why a good thing can't stay the way it is. does it always turn ugly? well, in my experience, yes. thats unfortunate.

my biggest aggravation is change in people. how is this possible? it brings up the very eerie , how do you ever know who a person really is? i mean, someone can't really change so dramatically in a short period of time can they? my theory is that people run on emotions (and i figure im pretty safe to trust in that theory). at the start of something new, emotions are at a high and it feels like the best thing ever. then you come off that high and realize its really just so so. and then you want something better - more like that original high. but is that reality? i dont think so. everything has a down side, which mean nothing and no one is perfect. we have to learn to love what and who we have. sometimes, love just isnt enough.

ps. i think im a pretty classy girl, no matter what anyone else says.

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i love the olympics. america is awesome.

is there really anything more to say?

yes.

i feel a little retarded every time the Star Spangled Banner is played and a US athlete has a medal placed around their neck. i get teary eyed, its true. but its a sense of pride. national love. i mean, we kind of are the greatest country ever. and i dont mean just in the olympics. (beceause china definitely rocked out the womens gymnastics, im not going to lie.) but really - despite the fact that we are trillions in debt and have two not-so-exciting candidates for president, our country rocks. id elaborate, but my stomach is yelling at me to feed it. and although i probably wont, considering it is 130 in the morning, i dont have the energy to think about why my country is 'da bomb,' let alone move my fingers excessively fast to type why it is 'da bomb.' so - i'll leave it at that.

ps. michael phelps is pretty awesome, too.

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dreams at night haunt my day

dreaming exhausts me. for the hours that i lie unconscious in my bed, i'm not really asleep. instead, i live in a world that i can not control. i talk, i think, i feel. and when i wake up, im completely unrested.

every now and then i'll have a dream that haunts me through the course of the next day. sometimes even extensively longer. it's like no matter how much i try to divert my mind from the previous night's events, it keeps flashing into my mind. its almost as if it really happenend. it is annoying and scary and delightful - all at the same time.

like last night, i dreamed crazy. i dont really remember the first part, but the ending (or the part before the incessant phone ringing woke me up) continuously and annoyingly pops into my train of though. i was at some sort of a carnival with my boyfriend and a very chunky and infant little boy (his adorable son). but my ex-husband then entered the scene, wanting me back. he adored me, loved me - a far cry from reality. i was happy - knowing that, for once, he actually wanted me. the boyfriend was upset, but understanding. i was torn, but at the same time i knew the boyfriend didnt adore me the way my ex-husband was showing me that he did. ironic, because i'd say its the complete opposite in real life.

the dream was abruptly ended at the point where my ex and i were driving to my small house in the woods - to my love, the boyfriend.

i'll be the first to say that i dont believe dreams have any significant meaning to the life which i live in reality. i feel they are merely fictional, no-facts-based stories conjured during unconsciousness. i know others will disagree. but either way, i have these dreams - and they are so real. i think logically, feel emotions, feel physically. and, as i mentioned, when i wake up it almost feels as if i had really lived through the instance.

i dont have an answer as to why - but id really like for them to go away. if for nothing else, so i can have a decent night of rest.

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